Normally, writer Tod Goldberg is more than capable at ridiculing the ridiculous comments and questions received by Walter Scott’s Personality Parade, a regular feature of the Parade magazine inserts in most Sunday newspapers.

But this time, I’m not even going to wait for him and his use of his colorful title for such incidences.

The Personality Parade received this question:

“You said Angelina Jolie refused to be sexually intimate with Brad Pitt until he was divorced. But Brad’s divorce wasn’t final until October 2, 2005, while Shiloh was born just seven months later, on May 27, 2006. Did you check your math?”

I could suggest that I don’t know which is worse: the arrogant presumption of someone calling a celebrity gossip columnist on such unimportant facts, or that the writer of the question is actually possesses not only the knowledge of Shiloh’s birthdate but the actual date on which Pitt’s divorce from Jennifer Anniston became official.

But I do know which is worse: the latter. I couldn’t have named, on a bet, even the month in which Shiloh was born, much less the date Pitt legally became a free man so he could begin the job of creating Shiloh in the first place.

Sure, I’ll admit that as a lifelong fan of The Price is Right, I do know the birthdate of Bob Barker — 12/12/23 — and the premiere date of the current run of the series — 9/4/72. But I’d also be the first to admit that these are also unimportant facts. I’d never waste my time writing to a gossip columnist to question him about something I took as a mistake regarding either date; there are plenty of other people who would beat me to it by a mile. And then I’d sit back and wonder why it was so important to them.

Of course, it gets better: in response to the would-be chastizing, the writer who currently pretends to be Walter Scott — Scott is a penname first used by Lloyd Shearer, who retired in 1991 and died ten years later — explains that though the divorce became final in October, Pitt signed the divorce papers on August 19, just more than nine months before Shiloh came into the world.

What? He doesn’t have the exact date of conception?? The real Walter Scott would have never let such a detail slip through his fingers! But really: why would someone take the time — precious seconds of a lifetime that’s too short no matter how long it lasts — to worry about such details? Why would anyone care? Why would a person allow himself to become so absorbed in the life of someone they’ll probably never meet, and certainly never know one on one?

When some people find out that I work in the media, they can’t wait to go into a tirade, demanding to know how I can believe it’s a good idea to cover news as insignificant as celebrity gossip. I assure them that I don’t think it’s a good idea, and agree with them that there is no news value in such stories. I then explain that there is, inexplicably, a genuine interest in such “non-news” items. There is research to back it up, not limited to the longterm success of shows like Entertainment Tonight and magazines like People and Entertainment Weekly. But they never seem willing to imagine that anyone would get so wrapped up in things they couldn’t begin to care about.

The next time one of them tries to argue that point, I’m going to refer him to this post.