Jun 09
Blur
“Roll your focus.”
In television, that’s what a director will tell a camera operator whose shot looks slightly unfocused. (Of course, your typical television director will probably throw in a few other, more colorful words as a bonus, but that’s beside the point.)
Lately, I think focus is what has been missing.
Focus in my personal life, which I’m pretty much used to; focus in my spiritual life, which I’m not particularly used to; and in my professional life, which disturbs me greatly.
Some of you might stop me and say, “Oh, yes…this is nothing…this is absolutely normal at your age. You’re catching that typical mid-life crisis thing or that on-the-verge-of-40 funk we’ve all heard about, even though 40 is supposed to be the new 20.
I can assure you that I don’t feel a year-and-a-half away from my 20th birthday.
Remember Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho? There’s a great snippet of conversation between the rich homebuyer, Ted Cassidy, and Marion Crane, the restless secretary, right before she steals the money:
CASSIDY: Are you unhappy?
MARION: Not inordinately.
That’s a great line, because in saying almost nothing, it seems to say a great deal. She’s neither satisfied nor miserable. Just in between. If it were a word, and wasn’t such an annoying non-word, I might even suggest meh.
Depression and anxiety can cause a lack of focus. Other times, a lack of focus can cause anxiety and/or depression. I’d like to be able to just roll my focus, but I’ve yet to find the damn focus ring.
I recently purchased a daily devotional called Solo. It’s from the same people who put out The Message bible, which I like a lot.
It is based on a classic style of lectio divinia, which involves reading, thinking, praying and trying to prompt a real conversation with God rather than just scanning through pages hoping something will jump out at you. I’ve never tried anything like that before — I only know what lectio divinia is because I read the introduction and got that explanation.
But it sounds like an interesting approach, so I’m trying to make more time to go through that and see what’s waiting.
If I come up with anything profound, I might write about it here. Otherwise, I’ll just quietly go on and try to find a little sharper image of the world around me.
Maybe I’ll find that blasted focus ring sooner than I think.
June 9th, 2008 at 7:14 am
Sounds like you & I are following similar paths to find some centering.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think it has anything to do with your numeric age. For me, it has to do with the awareness of responsibility (-ies) and all my paltry attempts to stay on top of everything. Guess what I just figured out: I can’t keep on top of it all without NOT doing some of it.
In any case, may your lectio divina work be fruitful. I love Eugene Peterson!
June 9th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Patrick,
This syndrome hits different people at different ages. And more than once. It is not a near-mid-life crisis event. More a fundamental part of the maturation process. Whatever the hell that is.
Well-loved children (like you and Chip, for instance), are reared on dreams. A good thing. We parents, because we adore you, because we see your gifts, teach you that you are that most miraculous of beings: You are Possibilities. You can be anything, do anything. You will be fulfilled if you dream big and work hard.
It’s all true–and it’s all a little off-kilter. What we forget to tell you is that much of your life will be about compromise. There’s just so much time, so much energy, so much talent. And there are all those other people–the ones whose dearth of dreams–or energy or effort–impacts your effort.
I once told Chip that the notion we all “grow up” and own our lives (and know all the right answers) is a fallacy. Truthfully, we never do reach that transcendental state. We never do know all, or even most of, the answers (focus). If we’re lucky (and we do a bit of critical thinking along the way), one day we might just be able to say: “I don’t know all the answers, but I think I know most of the questions…”
At 30+ we no longer have physical growth spurts–those awkward, gangly phases. We have spiritual and intellectual growth spurts instead. They are transitions, they are necessary and they are, often, very uncomfortable. It will pass.