“I’m fairly sure that if you took porn off the internet,
there’d only be one website left and it’d be called, ‘Bring Back the Porn.’”
— Dr. Perry Cox, Scrubs

So it’s time for a little honesty, even if it’s a little painful.

This may come as a shock to some of you, particularly of the female variety, but when men are left alone with the computer long enough, we will eventually go look at things we shouldn’t look at.  It doesn’t require any level of unhealthy obsession, nor do I refer to those accidental exposures resulting from sites that masquerade as sites offering something else, but hope to lull someone in unexpectedly.

Sooner or later, we just go there.  I would think that there are some women who do the same thing.  Perhaps not as many as I might imagine, perhaps not.

What I do know is that I am trying to avoid the temptation.  And thanks to two amazing friends of mine, one here in Charleston and one now in California, I’m getting a little assistance in this endeavor.  I now have a program on my computer that bills itself as “accountability software.”  It quietly keeps a record of websites I visit, and if it suspects mischief on my part, it sends my friends an email with the link to the site in question.

I know for a fact that it works, because the first “accountability report” has already reached my friend Archie.  I am happy to report that the sole link listed on the email he received contained a link to a blog entry in which the writer listed some of the humorous search terms his blog visitors had used; some of the words, though certainly not X-rated (or even R-rated, for that matter), included words like sex and the names of certain undergarments.  There were no pictures, nothing untoward.

It’s the kind of thing none of us should need, of course, but in those times when weakness might otherwise take advantage of one’s will, there’s something to be said for shame as a deterrent.  Though my two friends are quite strong in God, I know that they are equally apt to struggle with such a problem from time to time:  No Christian is perfect, though some of us tend to lose sight of this critical little fact from time to time.

I’m grateful to them for being willing to keep me accountable.  And I feel better going into 2009 knowing that I’ve got two such loyal friends to keep an eye on me when I need them most.  It’s a nice way to start a new year.

I have a very important piece of advice for you that could save you a great deal of money in 2009.  The advice comes as a result of my dealings with the New AT&T.

It has been three weeks since my last update — and I had hoped it would be the last update — about the company’s series of screw-ups.  Over the Christmas weekend, they managed to score yet another blunder.  Maybe they were feeling neglected here?

This saga began with lackluster service and a billing error in which they suspended my service for “nonpayment” despite my having previously signed up for Auto Pay.  I canceled my landline telephone service, and with it, my long distance service, back in September, leaving DSL as the sole product I buy from them.  (I have an iPhone through AT&T Wireless, but this particular division hasn’t given me a moment’s trouble.)

Back on the 7th of this month, I reported that AT&T screwed up the scheduling of a service appointment for spotty internet reception; not only did they not show up when they said they would, they rescheduled, failed to call me as they promised they would, so I missed them by minutes, and found a card hanging on my door indicating that there must be some as-yet-undiagnosed problem inside the apartment, and they would be billing me $85 for that diagnosis, even though, technically, they hadn’t fully diagnosed anything at all.

The next day, I managed to get a reasonable customer service tech who promised that I wouldn’t have to pay that $85 fee for which I had been given no warning, particularly since no tech ever came in my home and actually diagnosed what the problem was.  She then surprised me by crediting me two months of internet service.  It turns out that she had gone back and looked at the now-extensive notes on my account, realized what an “EPIC FAIL” AT&T has been committing, and attempted to do the right thing.

While I was pleasantly surprised, I wasn’t holding my breath.  Turns out that was a wise choice.

As a “Christmas gift,” I received an email with my monthly statement.  Given that they were attempting to block the $85 fee, and that they had credited me two months of service for DSL, which runs about $48 bucks a month, I was expecting that next bill to show a credit of $48; the service fee for December would have been zero, leaving a credit of $48 for January.

Oddly enough, though not surprisingly, the email stated that my monthly balance due was $117.24.

I had to call them from my parents’ house, and mom couldn’t believe how disorganized this company has become:  it took literally an hour and ten minutes of being transferred from tech to tech, from department to department, to finally figure out what was going on.  Here’s where that amount came from:

• First, the tech who promised no $85 fee did note it on the account.  But the billing computer, which is a computer, not a human, ignored the note and just billed that fee anyway.  Computers are supposed to only do what they’re programmed to do, so I still blame that tech for expecting a computer to take the time to read a comment.
• That tech did credit one month of internet service.  Not two.  Just one.  So that amount did not include DSL service for the month of December.  After much explanation and complaining, I finally got the credit for the second month I had previously been promised.  I had never asked for two month’s of service, but after all they’ve put me through and after promising it to me, I was determined to get that much at least.
• The remaining balance due, after the $85 fee was credited, was for long distance service.  Yes, they’re still billing me for long distance service on a phone line that has been disconnected since the second week of December.  I can’t use their long distance service on a telephone line that won’t allow me to make calls, but apparently basic logic like this is a level too high for their billing system to figure out without help.  It took being transferred to the long distance billing department to get this straightened out and to finally set my account to be DSL-only, which it has been, so that I won’t be billed for long distance service in the future.  This, of course, is something we’ve already tried since September, but maybe this time it will actually work.

Last month, I took the extra precaution of de-enrolling from Auto-Pay, the convenient service that allows AT&T to automatically debit the amount due from your checking account.  I’m glad I did that, and I strongly advice all of you to not sign up for any Auto-Pay option for any services you use, unless there’s no indication at all that the company has any proclivity toward the level of error that AT&T has demonstrated.

After all, it’s your money.  If they’re going to be this irresponsible with they’re billing, the last thing you want them to have easy access to is your checking account.  So my critical advice to you is this:

Do NOT enroll in Auto-Pay. Ever.

As soon as you do, these companies simply stop caring about how they treat you.  They figure they’ve got your money locked in, so they can screw up the bill as much as they like; by the time you catch the error, the money’s already gone.  And getting it back is like growing wings.  And it’s our own fault, really, because we’ve eliminated the need for any kind of interaction: we’ve just told them to take control and “handle it.”  We shouldn’t be surprised when they handle it they way they want to, not the way we want them to.

To add insult to injury, now that the billing has been worked out, and now that I’ve been assured that I have a zero balance and that next month’s bill will feature a zero balance as well, I received the same email from AT&T again this morning, showing that $117 balance.  I’m going to assume that it’s another computer glitch.  Regardless, now that I am once again in the driver’s seat when it comes to them getting money from me, I’ll send them a check in February; they are owed no money from me until then and they’ll get none.

But in the meantime, I’d like to offer AT&T a few suggestions to improve its service in 2009:

1. Change your name.  If this is the way you treat customers, you don’t deserve a well-established name with a history like AT&T.  I realize that what is now AT&T isn’t the same company or companies that used to be AT&T through a series of mergers.  But if you’re going to call yourself a big dog, act like one.  Sticking the “new” ahead of your name only makes it worse: it’s a reminder that there was once an “old” AT&T that treated customers a lot better than the “new” one has treated me.
2. Get your billing system fixed.  Seriously.  Something’s wrong.  Big time.  Most of us — me included, frankly — do not have the time to sit on hold waiting for you to fix billing errors month after month that shouldn’t be happening to begin with.  Overhaul your system.  Teach it to read.  When a customer service rep leaves a “note” on an account, make sure that your billing system can process it and act accordingly.
3. Get your automated answering system fixed.  For one thing, don’t make me press anything to get English.  This is America: it’s okay to assume that most of us are already capable of English.  Offer me a button to select other languages as an alternative.  That starts me off on the wrong mood before I ever get a person.  Second, don’t ask me a lot of inane questions: there’s no point in my entering the telephone number or the last four digits of my social security number to the automated system if you’re then going to dump me at the terminal of a customer service rep who will then ask me the same questions again.  It makes me wonder exactly where that information went:  the computer shouldn’t care what the last four digits of my social security number are; it should realize, from my phone number, that I’m an existing customer, then move me to a human who can solve my problem.  (Assuming that somewhere in your company, there actually is one.)
4. Teach your customer service reps how to do their jobs.  Every time I call when some new wrinkle has developed, it is explained to me that the last person I talked to either didn’t note something correctly or must not understand the process.  Naturally, the person I am talking to at that moment does understand the process and is noting everything correctly.  Until the next time something goes awry, when the next operator I will talk to will blame this current one for the screw-up.    If your employees spent as much time trying to solve a problem as they do trying to pass the buck, there’d be a lot fewer problems for anyone to argue about.
5. Review your tapes.  If you really do record calls to make sure that I am receiving a positive customer service experience, pull mine and have a listen.  You’ll be amazed.  You may also be deeply embarrassed and ashamed.  And you should be.
6. Organize your billing structure.  If I’m a DSL customer erroneously billed for a repair that wasn’t performed and for long distance service I don’t even have, I want to call one number to get this straightened out through one helpful employee.I don’t want to get to a DSL billing rep who tells me that I don’t owe DSL a penny, then be transferred to repair billing to get them to take care of that fee (after listening to the whole convoluted story), and then be transferred to long distance billing to get them to remove monthly fees for service I haven’t had for months (after listening to the whole convoluted story).  With at least five to ten minutes of sitting on hold between each transfer that only serves to make me more angry for your next employee who has to sit through the same story again.  One person should be able to fix everything. Many businesses have such a person, in fact:  usually, a customer never encounters them until they tell the automated attendant that they’re ready to cancel their service once and for all.  Then suddenly they are transferred to some sort of wizard who can make everything right again with a few quick keystrokes.  Put these people at the front end, not the back end.  If you do that, you’ll have a lot less people ever reaching the back end.
7. Take those diagnostic fees and shove ’em.  $85?  It would be unreasonable if the tech actually had diagnosed the problem.  To bill me such a fee when the tech never even comes inside, but concludes beyond any doubt that this is where the problem must be, is inexcusable.  Times may be tough, but they’re tough for your customers, too.  Don’t pretend that you’re the only ones scraping for extra money each month.  You can afford that $85 a lot easier than I can.  And here’s another thought:  have enough pride in your product and demonstrate enough concern for your customers that when you conclude something is wrong, fix it.  Not for a fee, but to maintain positive customer relations.  If a wire goes bad, it’s not because I did anything to cause it.  It’s not your fault, either.  But even though neither of us wants to pay for it, remember the old adage about the customer always being right:  so you be big and pay up.  And get the problem fixed.
8. Finally, and here’s the big one:  You’re a communications company: so communicate.  Empower your employees to talk to each other and work together to solve a problem.  Make sure everyone understands what’s going on.  Make sure everyone understands why things are going on.  And stop this “one hand doesn’t know what the other hand is doing” crap.  It’s gotten so bad, actually, that it’s more like one finger doesn’t even know what its own fingernail is doing.  That ought to disturb you.  Immensely.

The next time there’s a problem, I’m just going to have the tech read my blog.  Maybe I’ll put them on hold and force them to listen to Muzak for a change.

I’ve just learned that some local writers who belong to a writing group I’ve attended are planning a sequel (or perhaps replacement is the better choice of word) for “NaNoWriMo,” the nickname for National Novel Writing Month, which is held during every November.

The idea is that over the course of those 30 days, you produce a 50,000 word manuscript.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be a finished novel, but you must write enough every day to fill the pages.

These local writers are planning to do the same thing in January.  I have a valid excuse for ducking out of this one.  November is always off-limits for me because of sweeps; I’ve got some other things coming up next month that would keep me from devoting that kind of time.  But I wish them luck and can’t wait to hear how it went; I’m always amazed to hear about people who are actually able to generate that much writing in that short a time and actually make the writing be worth the time spent!

Back during my college days, a close friend invited me to her place for a little get-together to watch one of the hit shows on the air at the time. It was a quirky little show about a mysterious murder in an even more mysterious place.

As soon as I walked in the door, I was offered black coffee and a doughnut, to the approving laughter of everyone in the room. I immediately glanced down to make sure my fly wasn’t open, because coffee and a doughnut didn’t seem to me to be funny enough on their own to have elicited such a response on its own.

The show, as many of you have figured out, was Twin Peaks, and it was one of the little inside jokes that delighted fans who really got into the program.

My mistake, I was just learning, was trying to get into the show from about six or seven episodes in; it wasn’t the kind of show that made a lot of sense if you didn’t start watching from the beginning.

But these were what some might call “super fans,” people so obsessed with a program that they have to know every little detail, that they drive themselves silly watching for every little slip-up or every little clue, whether it’s really a clue or not.

Game shows have their own “super fans,” and perhaps no show has as many or as unique a bunch of them as The Price is Right.

As far as some of my friends are concerned, I am such a fan.  They know that if they have some inane question about the show, I am their first point of contact.  There are plenty of little goofy, geeky facts about the show that I know, because I’ve actually been behind the scenes of the show at a taping and because I’ve watched it as long as it has been on the air.

But as some super fans go, I’m the economy model.  I’m the “express” version, the Dustbuster to their Dyson.

(And yes, I’m perfectly okay with that, thank you.)

Remember that perfect bid I mentioned the other day?  The one where a contestant nailed the actual retail price of the showcase right on the nose, something that had only happened one other time in the show’s 37-season history, yet, inexplicably, was given a thoroughly non-climactic reveal from host Drew Carey?  I call such an occurrence a “perfect bid.”  The show would, too.  These super fans have their own lingo: such an event is an exacta.

Which doesn’t change the fact that it was still a “perfect bid.” Continue reading “Do ‘Super Fans’ Help Or Hurt Shows They Love?”

I hope everyone had a great Christmas last week, and that you got everything you were asking for.  I had a nice holiday, using up the last two days of 2008 vaction time on Wednesday and Friday of last week, giving myself a nice 5-day weekend.

Everyone should get a five-day weekend for Christmas.  There ought to be a law.

Over the years, one of the Christmas traditions I’ve come to look forward to is spending time with the Hansen family.  Chip and I met in college and have known each other for almost 19 years.  For about ten, we worked together at the same TV station, and for about three of those, we were roommates, too; we were bound to be either the best of friends or wind up killing each other!  I’m just glad that we decided to go with the former.

The really nice thing is that we can go six months or more without seeing each other and within about fifteen seconds, it’s like we just saw each other yesterday.  That kind of friend is pretty rare, and I’m blessed to have them.

When you step into Chip’s parents’ home, you are met with an incredible, intricate Christmas village that takes you back in time.

I’ve had the pleasure over the years of providing them some of the pieces with the collection; I can only imagine how much they might curse my name when it comes to actually constructing the village’s layout each year.   I know if I faced such a formidable task each year, I’d be cursing someone! Next year, I’ve been invited to help them set it up.  I’m told it’s a five-day process, and after seeing it in person, I can definitely believe it.

It’s always a fun challenge to find pieces that they haven’t already received and that somehow add to the “community.”  This year, by absolute luck, I happened to come across two shops that featured the names of two of Chip’s three children.  What are the odds?

I wanted to show off a couple of pictures of their accomplishments, because it really is beautiful the way they set it up, and it’s different every year.

When I was having a conversation about the village with Chip’s mom, Linda, whom I’ve quoted many times in this blog over the past couple of years, she described the village as “magical.”

And she’s right:  it’s easy to get lost looking at all of the pieces, watching the animated ice skaters, admiring all of the shops.  I don’t mean that in a Twilight Zone kind of way:  I have no delusions at all that if I stare long enough, I’ll actually find any part of my carcass reducing in size quickly enough to walk around on the village’s “streets.”

But it is easy to sort of escape your troubles or worries and ponder a time when life seemed simpler, happier and more fulfilling.  A time when there was no seemingly-endless war or back-biting, time-wasting politics.  A time when we didn’t dutifully report to work each morning wondering if this is the morning that we’ll be the next one to be let go.

Spending those moments with family and friends chosen family only makes it that much more relaxing.

I hope all of you found some time to dream of happier, better days over this holiday season.  And I hope that 2009 actually brings us some of those days.

We’re long overdue.

Here’s the third edition of a new weekly feature that I call Tweets of the Week.

A tweet, for those who don’t know is one of those little “status updates” people post on sites like Twitter or Facebook.  Maybe you’ve got some ultra-creative Twitter friends who make you chuckle with their short bursts of life.  If you do, feel free to leave me a comment with some of the tweets that have made you smile.

Here is this week’s collection of five. Continue reading “Tweets of the Week - Episode 3″

A man in Philadelphia wounded another man inside a movie theater after an argument about making too much noise during the film.

It makes perfect sense, because people who talk during a movie are so much louder than, say, a gunshot.

The movie that was playing during all of the commotion was The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which stars Brad Pitt as a man who, according to my interpretation of the trailer, seems to be getting younger rather than older.  Goodness knows, a storyline like that should earn everyone’s undivided attention.  No one should dare risk missing a second of something like that.

This self-appointed movie theater avenger started by throwing popcorn at the victim’s son, and when that didn’t make them stop talking — I know, it is hard to believe that someone on the receiving end of popcorn would not respond — he stood up, approached the family, and wounded the victim in the arm, according to police reports.

One has to wonder if the other people in the theater could tell you anything that happened in the movie itself.  Although I suspect that what happened in front of the screen may well have been more exciting than what was happening on it.

Just sayin’.

A strong logo is good for any business, but a good sound — a sound effect, catch phrase or musical signature — can also help customers identify a business.

Recently, the magazine mental_floss, which is one of the greatest magazines ever made, came up with a list of the 17 Most Recognizable Trademarked Sounds. Their number one is mine as well.

You don’t have to rely solely on their list this time: come up with the seven sounds identified with businesses that are most recognizable to you. If you’re not sure whether a sound is trademarked, that’s okay, too…as long as it is a sound that you feel is identified with one specific business and clearly communicates the specific business with which it is associated.

• First to play last week: Mrs. L of Mrs. Linklater’s Guide to the Universe

(According to the rules, “First to Play” requires you to be the first to include the link to the specific entry in which you answered the questions, not just the general link to your blog.)

Here is this week’s “Sunday Seven” question. Either answer in a comment here, or put the answers in an entry on your blog…but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit! To be counted as “first to play,” you must be the first player to either answer the questions in a comment or to provide a complete link to the specific entry in your blog in which you answer the questions. A general link to your blog cannot count. Enjoy!

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION:
Name the seven trademarked sounds you think are the most effective.

Either answer the question in a comment or answer it in your journal and include the link in a comment. (To be considered “first to play,” a link must be to the specific entry in which you answered the question.) You may include this link in the URL space when leaving your comment, or in the comment itself. As long as it’s there in one spot or the other.

My Answers:
1. NBC Chimes signature
2. 20th Century fox fanfare
3. “You’ve Got Mail” from AOL
4. Intel’s 5-note signature
5. General Mills for the Jolly Green Giant’s “Ho Ho Ho”
6. The “Losing Horns” signature from “The Price is Right”
7. The Pillsbury Doughboy’s Giggle
(I don’t know if #6 is actually trademarked, but it’s certainly copyrighted.)

Christmas Day gave many of us the chance to spend time with family. For most of you, I hope this was a happy time; I’m sure for others of you, it may not have been. This week’s questions reflect on family…but I’ll try not to get too personal with the questions…just in case some of your relatives read your blog!

• First to play last week: Otowi of Otowi. Congratulations!

(According to the rules, “First to Play” requires you to be the first to include the link to the specific entry in which you answered the questions, not just the general link to your blog.)

Here are this week’s “Saturday Six” questions. Either answer the questions in a comment here, or put the answers in an entry on your journal…but either way, leave a link to your journal so that everyone else can visit! To be counted as “first to play,” you must be the first player to either answer the questions in a comment or to provide a complete link to the specific entry in your journal in which you answer the questions. A link to your journal in general cannot count. Enjoy!

1. How many members of your family not living with you did you see on Christmas Day?

2. When spending time with family, how long after you arrive do you begin to feel “antsy” about being there too long?

3. Is your family more likely to have pleasant discussions or heated arguments during a big meal? Do you join in or quietly listen in?

4. Take the quiz: How Do You Really Feel About Your Family?

5. Consider the family member whose views are most opposite of your own: If your friends or co-workers met the person, what single topic would probably be the source of the most embarrassment for you if your friends heard that person talking?

6. Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? What one thing that you didn’t get would you like to have received?

If you have a Reader’s Choice question you’d like to see asked (and answered), send me an email! I’d love to be able to include it in a future edition of the Saturday Six.

Visiting my parents is always a reminder of how quickly we get used to technology.

They have a decent — not a nice, but a decent — computer, but it has a dialup connection that requires AOL.  For whatever reason, either a particularly slow dialup or a particularly slow computer — or a combination of the two — it takes a long time for pages to load.

When I actually logged on to check my email account, it took eight minutes for the page to load fully.  (And no, I’m not that popular by a long shot.)

It was much faster to check my email from my cell phone, something I wouldn’t have considered doing two years ago.  Yes, I was one of those, “All I want to do on a cell phone is make a call!” folks.  Then I got an iPhone and I saw the light.

I call, I text message, I email.  All from my phone.  And I even use the GPS function to help me navigate when I have to get someplace I’m not sure about.  I can update my Facebook page, and I can post a new tweet on Twitter.

From a phone.

A phone that moves about a hundred times faster than a PC.

It was through my phone, for example, that I learned that actress Eartha Kitt had died.  If I had waited to gain this piece of information from my parents’ computer, I still might not know.  (If you get the idea that I try to avoid news as much as possible on my day off, you’re right.)

I have, of course, given my parents the argument that they’d have far less problems if only they’d buy a Mac.  They then give me the argument that PCs are a lot cheaper, which I cannot deny.  One of these days, I’m going to throw back the good ol’ “You get what you pay for” line.

It’s amazing how quickly we not only adjust to some new technology (assuming that it’s actually technology that we can benefit from), but also how quickly we become so used to it that we suddenly feel like we’re stranded on a desert island without it.

At my parents’ house, for instance, I can’t pull out the laptop and go online.  Apparently no one in their neighborhood has a wireless network.  It’s not that there are a few that are locked:  there aren’t any.  And my folks don’t live on some secluded farm out in the middle of nowhere: they’re in an established suburb that’s been around for seventy years or more.  You’d think someone would have a wireless network up and running around here somewhere.

I’ll probably be tempted, next time they come to Charleston, to sit them down and show them my laptop and demonstrate what a DSL connection can do.  (That’s assuming that the connectivity issue with the New AT&T that remains unresolved because I’m not willing to pay them $85 to fix something in their system doesn’t kick in at the wrong moment.)

I’m sure I’ll be tempted.  But I don’t think I’d have the heart to actually do it.

I can definitely see that there’s something to be said for technological ignorance being its own special level of bliss.

I found a simple little meme for Christmas titled, “Do You Spread Holiday Cheer?”  A few of the questions, frankly, seemed a little incomplete.  I mean, if I was suddenly nominated appointed as the official family holiday cook, then of course I’d get a Christmas dinner take-out:  I wouldn’t want my family to get sick from my attmepts at basting a bird.

Still, I got this result:

You Spread Some Holiday Cheer

You do your best to give time, money, and joy during the holidays. You don’t always spread cheer to everyone, but you do the best. Unlike most people, you actually spend time reflecting on the meaning of the holidays. And you worry more about doing the right thing than getting the right presents.

Seems kind of lukewarm to me, somehow.  But still, I hope to spread “some” holiday cheer when I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year filled with peace and happiness.